A Club I Never Wanted to Join

Losing Your Mother

I joined a club I never wanted to be part of. I lost my mother. She passed away unexpectedly as she was getting in bed one night. So I now belong to the Women Who Have Lost Your Mother club.

My mother was ill with COPD and other lung complications. She was on oxygen and her quality of life was not good. I guess that would be each individual’s interpretation of quality of life. I wanted her to feel better and be able to go and do more. It hurt my heart to watch her try so hard but just not be able to do much. She would get frustrated and depressed because in her mind she wanted and needed to do it all. But, then she couldn’t conquer those things. She told me when she tried to sleep she couldn’t because she would cook all kinds of things and clean the house in her mind.

She couldn’t get around well enough to shop anymore. I would shop for her and put her on facetime so she could pick out what she wanted. We would get a lot of strange looks in the store but we got a lot of smiles, too. The smiles were from women who also had mothers at home that needed a little help or women who had already joined the club. I often heard women in the store comment what a great idea!

We were still trying to go on our mother/daughter trips. I would drive her to the curb so she could get in with her walker or sometimes we would just drive by and look in a new city. Even though she wasn’t physically capable of as much, our conversations were still the best. We talked on the phone three or four times a day. We talked about absolutely everything. I miss those conversations so, so much. I could write an entire book on my mother.

I know my mother was suffering. I know she was also fighting to improve her life. Some would say she lost but some would say she won because she is in a better place. I choose to believe that she is in heaven.

I have lost grandparents very near and dear to my heart. But, my mother and father were there to help with the funeral arrangements and all that a death entails. This was new for me.

One of the most unexpected things I took away from this ordeal was the unofficial club I joined, The Women Who Have Lost Their Mother club. These women who are part of this club reached out to me from every corner of my life. The understanding, compassion and wisdom they shared helped give me the strength to get through it all.

Besides the sadness because of the loss of my mother, I had a new feeling of sadness that I had never experienced before. The sadness that I have not done enough for those who lost their Moms before me.

I know, for me, there are two reasons I failed at this. First, I truly didn’t have the understanding of the gut wrenching pain to the finality of it all. Second, I was scared. I was scared to spend more time with a woman who has lost her mother. I was scared to do more than send a card, take food to the home, attend the funeral and the usual words, I am so sorry. I was scared to be there afterwards because of their pain. I didn’t want to think about any of it too long. I didn’t want to think that I would go through this some day. I wanted to avoid this club with all my being. I was running as fast as I could. The thought of it all was way too painful. Of course, I did appreciate my mother more every time a new woman joined the club. I am thankful for that. But, I am sorry I wasn’t more comforting and didn’t do more for all the women who joined before me.

I get it now. I get that bond we all have in the club. I get the look in their eyes, taking time to listen, reaching out weeks later, prayers, and the understanding words. This will be me when another woman I know joins the club. I will be there for you! I promise! I miss you, Mom, and I love you!